(A.K.A. Jealousy and Envy)
In January, my class with the VCS focused on jealousy and envy. We explored the differences between the two, and the messages each brings (using the work of Karla McLaren). We explored the concepts in the context of a real life scenario – which lead to some interesting discussion and ideas! We ended the class with a boundary exercise designed to 1) ground students when the strong emotions come on, and 2) create a boundary (felt-sense of safety) in order to work through the emotion.
Jealousy and envy are often used interchangeably. While they do have similar messages, they are actually different emotional states. After exploring a few different resources, including the dictionary, I found the following statement helpful in determining the difference between the two:
“You can feel envy about something you don’t have but want, but you feel jealousy over something you already have and are afraid of losing” (McLaren, 2010).
Some important points to remember here:
- there are no good vs. bad emotions
- all our emotions arise to give us powerful messages
- we can learn to tune in, and listen to those messages
- we can learn to notice the felt-sense of the emotion
- when we can be with our emotions (and not fear them) we tend to feel more balanced
Both jealousy and envy include anger and fear, and both can leave us feeling inadequate. The message in them often pertains to our intuition (we are sensing that something isn’t right), and self-protection (we are not feeling safe, and have an intrinsic desire to return to state of safety). Now, with strong emotions arising, we typically have three courses of action:
- Suppress it: When we do not feel comfortable with our emotions, we tend to stuff them and put on a happy face. It doesn’t feel right though, and we know we are not being true to ourselves. And to make matters worse, when we suppress our emotions, they tend to find their way out in unhealthy ways.
- Express it: Sounds good, right? Not really – when we express our emotions in their mood state, we tend to say hurtful things. Things that later make us feel shameful for saying, and really only have a negative impact on our relationships.
- Understand why the jealousy or envy came up, and work through the emotions that came flooding forward. While this may seem like the hardest option, it is also the one that brings with it greater self-awareness and an opportunity for regulation.
Practice 4: Grounding with a Boundary for Jealousy
The technique we used for regulation was a boundary exercise from Karla McLaren. While I cannot provide the entire write-up here, I’d love to share some point-form prompts, to help you stay on track with your practice.
- Allow yourself to settle into your chair, noticing the warmth of your breath in, and out. Notice solid floor beneath you, imagine the warmth of your breath moving down, right into the ground. Take a moment to notice what’s going on in your body; just be curious about what you are sensing, and without trying to change it. If you notice any tension or emotional upset, notice where in your body you feel it. Notice what it’s about for a moment, then imagine directing it downward into the earth. Letting your breath envelop it, and see if the tension eases up a little
- Take a moment to image a protective boundary around you. What colour would it be
- Notice that connection between your feet and the ground. What sensations are arising in your body? How does it feel to set a boundary for self?
- Jealousy contains anger. It feels fiery, flaring and intense or simmering and steaming. If we move it into the boundary – outside yourself so you can make sense of the message it is giving you – then you can reclaim your personal space and connect with a sense of calm.
- Visualizing the boundary helps us make sense of the anger that accompanies jealousy, so that we can make sense of what it is really telling us
- Emotions want us to take action: but if you try to take action before you restore your boundary, you will likely over-compensate (explode) or under-compensate (and collapse and suppress)
- Noticing your breath in, the warmth of your breath as you inhale and slowly exhale
- When you think of feeling jealousy, what is the message in the emotion? What has been betrayed? Examine your own sense of worthiness and security – what needs to be healed, secured? The goal is to return to a sense of feeling emotionally resourced, rather than powerless.
- Sensing into that connection between your feet and the ground. Just know you can call upon the visualization of your boundary anytime, to slow down and settle strong emotions, and return to balance.
All of our emotions bring with them important messages. If we tune in and listen, we can hear that message and respond appropriately. I hope that is what students are able to take away from these classes – the ability to notice their emotions, tune in for the message, settle strong emotional upset in healthy ways, and learn to respond to those emotions, and thus to others, in healthy ways
McLaren, K (2010). The Language of Emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you.