I recently started an on-line parenting workshop. My motivation for taking it was 2-fold:
- I am a parent, and often have moments of complete bewilderment. I read a quote recently that completely sums it up: “Parenting is like looking both ways before crossing the road, and then being hit by an airplane”
- I often work with parents in my counselling practice, and want to ensure I am knowledgeable on age-appropriate approaches and research
It is a brilliant program – based on theory first, with the goal of inspiring parents to work from a philosophical approach that acknowledges both child developmental needs and attachment theory – then branching out to assist parents in understanding how to apply that theory. I am really enjoying it.
However, I have noticed that while the approaches are fantastic, there isn’t mention of why parents often are not able to stick with their best parenting intentions. I’m talking about how often child behaviours can trigger a parent. When a person is triggered, they are no longer in the moment. When a person is triggered, they are experiencing emotions, physical sensations, and thoughts from a past time when perhaps they were hurt in some way. These are the moments when our reactions do not fit the situation at hand. These are the moments when we tend to say things we regret. And these are the moments that as parents, we stray from our best intentions.
Working through our painful memories and experiences in therapy is certainly one way to end the power of triggers. Deep breathing is another tool that is super powerful at moving a person out of a trigger and back into the present moment. I’d like to offer another tool that can be used right away. It’s a form of mindfulness meditation that when used daily, can take both the power out of the trigger and also reduce the chances of your child’s behaviour triggering you. It’s called the Loving Kindness Meditation. While there are many versions, I’d like to share one that was written up by Jack Kornfield, a leader in mindfulness writings.
Here is how it works:
Take a few moments every day – perhaps in the morning, or before you go to bed at night. Read each of the following lines, pausing after each to genuinely visualize what that would look like for you – without judgment, and with loving kindness in your heart. Once you are finished, read the lines again, this time pausing to visualize your child. Genuinely wish these things for your child, without judgment, and with loving kindness in your heart.
May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be safe from internal and external danger.
May I be well in my body and my mind.
May I be at ease and happy.
Hint: when reading it with your child in mind, change the phrases to read “May you be…”. Taking just a few minutes each day to shift your focus into loving kindness can have a profound impact on how you handle those tough situations. Give it a go – I’d love to hear how you find it!
Loving Kindness meditation from Jack Kornfield,